My thoughts have been provoked, thank you! I feel much the same about many things (reminds me of the old sapiosexual discourse on tumblr lol). You ask "Why are there other individuals that I'm also drawn to, intrigued by? ... it's just misplaced ambition." I think this is just how attraction works for humans! We never stop desiring, even within monogamy! Maybe your ambition is actually perfectly placed. You astutely mention that ambition can extend beyond money/status/prestige-- what if you're also simply ambitious about connection, union, partnership? Personally, I am, or want to be, but my ambitions around the intellectual qualities of connection/union/partnership feels like a safer entry point than the actual connection/union/partnership. I'm always trying to remind myself that thoughts about the thing are not the thing lol. Thinking about relationships is not the same as being in relationships, etc.
Adore this! As someone who habitually falls for people I see as better versions of myself, this resonated way more than it should've. Thank you for eloquently putting to words a feeling that's been clouding both my head AND heart for the longest time. I suppose this is also potentially why so many of us fall for those we can't have—there's a sense of challenge that scratches the ambitious parts of our brains when we're made to chase after an object of affection rather than having reciprocity from the get-go. Or maybe that's just a me problem.
I read this same Ask Polly article and it has stayed with me for years! I think about it all the time if I find myself developing a crush or reflecting on a relationship that didn't work out. A big moment in my life was realizing I kept dating guys who were "entrepreneurs" and really what I wanted was to leave my job and do something cool too. Now that I have left my job and pursued writing, I find myself more satisfied and more attracted to stability.
The essay I'm 80% sure is from her book, "How To Be A Person in the World"
"I guess knowledge is my ambition. But not just knowledge. Understanding, too. Depth. Rigour. Curiosity. Learning."
Interesting - same for me. Curious re whether amongst people with a certain level of intellectual appetite, one could venture to say this could be common driver-of-higher (if not highest)-value for most? I do feel underdeveloped in this aspect vs my appetite here, so definitely get value from each the experiential aspect of the conversation, the insight/observation into others' journeys + live thought processes, and the opportunity/promise/arena for personal development/growth when in a relationship with someone who I can learn from in this manner.
"We get to perform with someone new that we like. Crushes can be a window into something we feel we don't have, something we feel we are lacking, something we want someone else to fulfill—some ambition we have for ourselves." -MIND BLOWN!!! SO GOOD!!!!!
“but are open to letting go of those beliefs if their reasons for believing them are proven to be untrue or wobbly.” - this, to me, is critical. And absolutely essential. Thanks for pointing that out and for this beautiful piece.
There's nothing more romantically (or sexually) magnetic between two people than a desire to understand each other. And the coolest part is, they never really will understand each other if they really are interesting people. So that excitement can last forever.
Mimetic desire discusses this in an interesting way. A couple of quotes I pulled from Roam..
"The danger is not recognizing models for what they are. When we don’t recognize them, we are easily drawn into unhealthy relationships with them. They begin to exert an outsize influence on us. We often become fixated on them without realizing it. Models are, in many cases, a person’s secret idol. (Page 33)"
"The characters in the great novels are so realistic because they want things the way that we do—not spontaneously, not out of an inner chamber of authentic desire, not randomly, but through the imitation of someone else: their secret model. (Location 256)"
Turning up (six months) late, but... fascinating topic. Are you sure crushes involve misplaced ambition/living up to an internal idealised self-image? I’m not convinced.
If they were, the reaction to an unrequited crush would be a more intense version of ‘oh that’s a shame’ (as with exes I genuinely had feelings for who, er, dumped me, or people I really fancied who rejected me, but weren’t crushes). Instead, crushes seem like a separate, but related, phenomena, in which the reaction, at least in my case and that of others once you do a little digging, is the sensation that some arcane cosmic law has been broken. You think ‘oof they are making an awful decision; of course they’re free to reject me as they please, but I know deep down we really would fit excellently if we were together’. There’s a myopic possessiveness (this isn’t really the right word for it but it’s close) to this reaction that is not particularly pleasant, but I do feel it’s an element of crushness that often doesn’t get looked at in detail.
Further, there are plenty of non-crushes who have traits I’d like to see more of in myself. They are people I can be both attracted (very intensely I might add) and not attracted to, but the feeling isn’t that of crushing hard for that pro card; it’s something different in kind.
This is a great piece Isabel, I especially like this part.
"The people I find beautiful are almost never just attractive people. They are people (and things) that demand attention, effort, thought to be completely understood. I can appreciate mere physical beauty, but it doesn't excite me. The idea of having to peel back layers to completely understand something or someone is what excites me."
Found your Substack on twitter and already love it :)
This article felt like being in a dark room but someone ahead of me had a lamp to illuminate the way. I’m navigating my journey to answering the question of what I mean when I say I want to be loved, and the people I want to love me--my crushes--are varied and can fulfill that question in their unique way. This was beautifully articulated, thank you for pinning this.
This was such an insightful and well written piece, thank you! How do you embrace or run from the crush depends on your cultural context and upbringing. Having ambition outside of the home is a dangerous idea in my context and there’s safety in being away from desirable object/person but avoiding people forever doesn’t help change how you feel … so much to consider
My thoughts have been provoked, thank you! I feel much the same about many things (reminds me of the old sapiosexual discourse on tumblr lol). You ask "Why are there other individuals that I'm also drawn to, intrigued by? ... it's just misplaced ambition." I think this is just how attraction works for humans! We never stop desiring, even within monogamy! Maybe your ambition is actually perfectly placed. You astutely mention that ambition can extend beyond money/status/prestige-- what if you're also simply ambitious about connection, union, partnership? Personally, I am, or want to be, but my ambitions around the intellectual qualities of connection/union/partnership feels like a safer entry point than the actual connection/union/partnership. I'm always trying to remind myself that thoughts about the thing are not the thing lol. Thinking about relationships is not the same as being in relationships, etc.
this is so interesting, please write more on this topic!
Adore this! As someone who habitually falls for people I see as better versions of myself, this resonated way more than it should've. Thank you for eloquently putting to words a feeling that's been clouding both my head AND heart for the longest time. I suppose this is also potentially why so many of us fall for those we can't have—there's a sense of challenge that scratches the ambitious parts of our brains when we're made to chase after an object of affection rather than having reciprocity from the get-go. Or maybe that's just a me problem.
and then what? how do they fall in love with you?
I read this same Ask Polly article and it has stayed with me for years! I think about it all the time if I find myself developing a crush or reflecting on a relationship that didn't work out. A big moment in my life was realizing I kept dating guys who were "entrepreneurs" and really what I wanted was to leave my job and do something cool too. Now that I have left my job and pursued writing, I find myself more satisfied and more attracted to stability.
The essay I'm 80% sure is from her book, "How To Be A Person in the World"
"I guess knowledge is my ambition. But not just knowledge. Understanding, too. Depth. Rigour. Curiosity. Learning."
Interesting - same for me. Curious re whether amongst people with a certain level of intellectual appetite, one could venture to say this could be common driver-of-higher (if not highest)-value for most? I do feel underdeveloped in this aspect vs my appetite here, so definitely get value from each the experiential aspect of the conversation, the insight/observation into others' journeys + live thought processes, and the opportunity/promise/arena for personal development/growth when in a relationship with someone who I can learn from in this manner.
"We get to perform with someone new that we like. Crushes can be a window into something we feel we don't have, something we feel we are lacking, something we want someone else to fulfill—some ambition we have for ourselves." -MIND BLOWN!!! SO GOOD!!!!!
“but are open to letting go of those beliefs if their reasons for believing them are proven to be untrue or wobbly.” - this, to me, is critical. And absolutely essential. Thanks for pointing that out and for this beautiful piece.
Love this.
There's nothing more romantically (or sexually) magnetic between two people than a desire to understand each other. And the coolest part is, they never really will understand each other if they really are interesting people. So that excitement can last forever.
Mimetic desire discusses this in an interesting way. A couple of quotes I pulled from Roam..
"The danger is not recognizing models for what they are. When we don’t recognize them, we are easily drawn into unhealthy relationships with them. They begin to exert an outsize influence on us. We often become fixated on them without realizing it. Models are, in many cases, a person’s secret idol. (Page 33)"
"The characters in the great novels are so realistic because they want things the way that we do—not spontaneously, not out of an inner chamber of authentic desire, not randomly, but through the imitation of someone else: their secret model. (Location 256)"
Both quotes from Luke Burgis's book Wanting.
I can add what hurts you most in close relationships also says something about what you repressed and hid
Really interesting thoughts! Thanks for sharing
Turning up (six months) late, but... fascinating topic. Are you sure crushes involve misplaced ambition/living up to an internal idealised self-image? I’m not convinced.
If they were, the reaction to an unrequited crush would be a more intense version of ‘oh that’s a shame’ (as with exes I genuinely had feelings for who, er, dumped me, or people I really fancied who rejected me, but weren’t crushes). Instead, crushes seem like a separate, but related, phenomena, in which the reaction, at least in my case and that of others once you do a little digging, is the sensation that some arcane cosmic law has been broken. You think ‘oof they are making an awful decision; of course they’re free to reject me as they please, but I know deep down we really would fit excellently if we were together’. There’s a myopic possessiveness (this isn’t really the right word for it but it’s close) to this reaction that is not particularly pleasant, but I do feel it’s an element of crushness that often doesn’t get looked at in detail.
Further, there are plenty of non-crushes who have traits I’d like to see more of in myself. They are people I can be both attracted (very intensely I might add) and not attracted to, but the feeling isn’t that of crushing hard for that pro card; it’s something different in kind.
This is a great piece Isabel, I especially like this part.
"The people I find beautiful are almost never just attractive people. They are people (and things) that demand attention, effort, thought to be completely understood. I can appreciate mere physical beauty, but it doesn't excite me. The idea of having to peel back layers to completely understand something or someone is what excites me."
Found your Substack on twitter and already love it :)
This article felt like being in a dark room but someone ahead of me had a lamp to illuminate the way. I’m navigating my journey to answering the question of what I mean when I say I want to be loved, and the people I want to love me--my crushes--are varied and can fulfill that question in their unique way. This was beautifully articulated, thank you for pinning this.
This was such an insightful and well written piece, thank you! How do you embrace or run from the crush depends on your cultural context and upbringing. Having ambition outside of the home is a dangerous idea in my context and there’s safety in being away from desirable object/person but avoiding people forever doesn’t help change how you feel … so much to consider